DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 30 years. She recently shared details of two infidelities she had with other men.
The first was with an individual on our church staff who introduced himself as my friend. My wife says it was an unprovoked attack, where he forced himself on her. But when I asked her why he didn’t resist or refuse, she said that she didn’t know and that maybe, deep down, she wanted it to happen. The second was someone he met in a bar and with whom he had developed a relationship. When I was away on business, she spent the night with him four times.
She tells me these things happened over 20 years ago and she’s been faithful ever since, but to put it bluntly, I’m devastated and I’m not convinced that’s the whole story. I believed my wife was faithful during our marriage.
I guess I was naïve because, as the years went by, she became jealous and accused me of something nefarious if I even looked at a woman, although I never deviated. Now I’m doubting everything. Do we live a fictitious life? Were we ever really happy? How can I believe she has been faithful ever since?
The fact of the matter is I do not believe you. I still love her, but every time I look at her, I think about what she told me and I have a hard time dealing with this information. I don’t think she’ll ever get over this. That I have to do? — DON’T BELIEVE IT IN FLORIDA
DEAR DON’T BELIEVE: I can feel your pain and that’s why you have my sympathy. You may need the help of a marriage and family counselor to find the answers to the questions you are asking. Once you’ve started down that path, ask your wife to accompany you. Strong marriages are built on trust. Only if that can be restored will your marriage heal.
DEAR ABBY: Three months ago, I lost my dear, beloved wife (the best part of me) to cancer, COVID-19, pneumonia, and heart problems. We had a great marriage, not perfect, but the happiest moments of our lives. In disbelief, carrying a burden of grief, sadness and pain, I feel alone and alone, but with each passing day I feel lighter. I know I don’t want to spend the rest of my remaining time this way.
We were together for 40 years, raising a blended family of four children. Then seven grandchildren and four great-grandchildren arrived. How long should I wait before considering looking around, dating, and looking for someone to share my life with? I’m being bombarded with interest from women I don’t know, which I didn’t expect. — ONLY IN ALABAMA
DEAR JUST: Please accept my deepest condolences for your loss. Your loneliness, pain and vulnerability are palpable. Therefore, when you start to dive into the dating pool, it is important that you take your time and not rush into “quickie” entanglements.
Realize that as an older widower, you are now a hot commodity. You will meet many women as the weeks go by. There is a good reason why people are advised not to make serious decisions for a year after a loss like the one you have experienced. Take your time and avoid making serious commitments in the coming months.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
