Profound words of advice for Kamala Harris from some of the legends of politics and comedy
Ready for next political act
Infamous last words:
Jay Leno: “Secret Service guys are brave. In what other job are you asked to take a bullet for your boss? I mean, other than working at 7-Eleven.”
George Carlin: “Politics are so corrupt. Even dishonest people get screwed.”
Winston Churchill: “Eating my words has never given me indigestion.”
Mort Sahl: “Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they’ve stolen.”
Woodrow Wilson: “A conservative is one who just sits and thinks — mostly sits.”
Bobcat Goldthwait: “Easy to be politically correct and liberal when you live in a gated community.”
Buck Henry: “We need a president who’s fluent in at least one language.”
And burbled in the streets of DC: “Soon America’s going to have all honest politicians. Reason being, there’s nothing left to steal.”
Hey, it’s a setup
Comedian Joey Adams on Richard Nixon: “In the first place nobody ever thought he could win even if he ran unopposed.”
Phyllis Diller’s political thoughts: “Never go to bed mad. No matter who you’re for, stay up and fight.”
Dan Quayle said this about Al Gore: “Nixon told me the press will either pick on the president or vice president. When Eisenhower was popular, Nixon got picked on. When Bush was popular, I got picked on. Gore’s lucky. Clinton’s never been popular so they left Gore alone.”
The late Geraldine Ferraro: “Hillary Clinton should just be Hillary. Do people expect her to sit home and write books with the dog? She doesn’t even have a dog.”
Sonny Bono on politicians: “Don’t cling to fame. You’re just borrowing it. The thing’s like money. You’re going to die, and somebody else is going to get it.”
President Chester Arthur?
First president to employ a full-time valet.
For good reason.
He owned 80 pairs of pants.
Calvin Coolidge: “If you keep dead still a fan will run down in three to four minutes. If you cough or smile they’ll start up again.”
Dwight David Eisenhower spent 150 days a year on the golf course.
Even installed a putting green at the White House until it was plagued by squirrels.
When Barry Goldwater tried running for high office it was said: “Oh, please, he thinks Rockefeller Center is the governor’s navel.”
Natural selection
Someone or other about Benjamin Franklin: “In three days guests — like fish — begin to smell.” (I don’t know exactly who said it. I wasn’t there.)
Of Thomas E. Dewey who ran for the highest office: “Great man. Often compared to St. Paul — one of the dullest towns in America.”
Presidential candidate Sen. Goldwater in his speech: “I’d rather be right than president.”
Added critics: “Forget it. You’ll never be either.”
1938.
Franklin D. Roosevelt addressing Daughters of the American Revolution opened his speech with “Fellow immigrants . . .”
Be it known Russia’s newspaper Pravda is running a contest for the best political joke.
First prize: 20 years.
I’m told that a Hubert Humphrey doll once came on the market.
You wound it up and for four years it did nothing.
E pluribus unum. All for one — and one for all of Kamala’s speech teachers.
