DEAR ABBY: We lost our 16-year-old daughter two years ago to leukemia. It’s been a difficult two years. I am writing to ask if there are rules of etiquette for visiting a loved one at the cemetery? We go regularly. I decorate the area in front of her stone with holiday or seasonally appropriate decorations. Other family members and friends visit as well, and most leave little trinkets or fresh flowers that I pick up and throw away when they wither, or bring home and put in our daughter’s room.
My problem is, one family member opens cards that have been left there for my daughter, and puts all sorts of cheap decorations around her grave. Recently, they put decorations directly on her gravestone which left large stains. We are now left searching for a professional to remove them, or her stone will need to be replaced.
I’m beside myself. This is where I go to talk to my daughter to feel closer to her. It took a year for her stone to be set. I took my time choosing just the right etchings and picture, and it’s a stone befitting our beautiful angel. Would it be wrong to set rules as to what people can and can’t leave when visiting my daughter’s final resting place? Can I tell someone they are no longer welcome to visit? — PROTECTIVE IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR PROTECTIVE: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your daughter. I hope the relative who damaged her headstone apologized for it and volunteered to pay for the services of the professional cleaner. If not, you should suggest it. And while you are at it, you can also explain what kind of mementos you feel are appropriate at the gravesite.
Understand, however, that while you have the right to state your preferences, unless there’s a guard watching your daughter’s final resting place, there’s no guarantee they will be respected.
DEAR ABBY: We all meet acquaintances and say, “Let’s grab dinner.” We intend to follow through but forget. A while back, my wife and I made a list of 10 other couples we would like to get to know better and organized a group dinner. On the third Saturday of each month, a couple hosts the group at a restaurant.
We don’t meet in homes or in December, and, yes, sometimes only six couples attend, but it’s often all of us. This is our 25th year, and we have not missed a month. During COVID we gathered by Zoom. It’s not about the food — it’s about a caring group of friends sharing with each other. Abby, I thought you might want to print this to inspire others. –– ONE HOST IN INDIANA
DEAR HOST: I think the lesson here is that someone has to be proactive and actually make plans rather than settle for good intentions. You did everyone, including yourself, a tremendous favor. Loneliness and isolation are serious problems for many.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
