Well, 2024 has arrived and, before it gets fully underway, I’d like to pause and give you my predictions of what we can expect from this exciting new year.
With the war in what used to be Ukraine turning sour for the future citizens of Russia and the war in what used to be Gaza spreading to encompass Lebanon, Yemen, Saudi Arabia, Iran, Harvard University, AOC’s fantasy life, a Falafel stand on 53rd Street, the empty place in the minds of college students where knowledge would be if they had ever learned anything, and anywhere else where there are members of Hamas or supporters of Hamas or customers at the Falafel Stand who asked “How much?” and it sort of sounded like “Hamas,” or anyone wearing one of those sinister black-and-white scarfs who can’t prove he’s an extra in the remake of “Lawrence of Arabia,” or anyone who thought remaking “Lawrence of Arabia” was a good idea, I think we can expect China to seize the moment to invade Taiwan.
The American military will of course respond immediately with a delightful transgender musical extravaganza featuring the joint Chiefs of Staff forming a kickline in matching pleated lame gowns. During intermission, the Chinese army will take time out to enjoy a tasty Falafel at the stand on 53rd Street after they finish invading New York City, where of course they’ll be entirely wiped out by the Israelis. After that, the seventh seal will be opened, the sun will turn as black as sackcloth made from goat’s hair, and the people will hide in caves praying for death before they face the wrathful judgment of the Lamb of God.
Then, in February, President and venal houseplant Joe Biden will suddenly sit up in bed and shout, “Ice cream!” as he finally remembers the answer to the question, “What’s your favorite food?” which Ryan Seacrest asked him on New Year’s Eve.
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In April, Biden will announce that he will not run for re-election but will instead lie in state after having passed away last July. Kamala Harris will also step aside after Mexico rewards her for the job she did securing the border by giving her her own cartel. Known by her Mexican nickname “El Stupido Beyond Believamente,” Kamala will then make history by becoming the first sort of black sort of woman to run a multi-national crime organization while being unable to spell fentanyl.
After some inter-party jockeying, Gavin Newsom will become the Democrat candidate, running under the slogan, “Let’s Make Everything California,” accompanied by a picture of a beautiful blue sky with a smiling sun shining down on a flaming toilet. Newsom will demonstrate his commitment to public safety by promising to make every American wear a mask unless he’s looting a Walmart, in which case there’s no need.
Finally, in November, Donald Trump will be re-elected president and will celebrate his victory by hanging a poster of Rita Hayworth on the wall of his prison cell and then disappearing without a trace until guards look behind the poster and find Trump used a plastic spoon to dig a tunnel to the Oval Office. There, Trump will already be hard at work filling his administration with people who absolutely detest him and want to sabotage everything he does. Nevertheless, in his first hundred days, Trump will order the building of a spectacular new D.C. headquarters for the FBI so they can continue their important work of investigating Trump for crimes committed by Hillary Clinton; Trump will sign an executive order allowing trans-women athletes to compete in pissing contests in ladies rooms across the country, and he’ll announce a second Operation Warp Speed to ramp up the manufacture of his perfect vaccine until Dr. Fauci announces the pandemic is over.
Trump supporters, meanwhile, will celebrate Trump owning the libs by taking the perfect vaccine and then dying of heart attacks.
In sports, we can look forward to NFL referees announcing that the Chiefs were offsides in last year’s Super Bowl and the Eagles are now the 2023 champions. And leftist documentarian Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy will direct a new feminist “Star Wars” film to prove that there’s something even emptier than outer space, namely theaters showing the new Star Wars film by leftist documentarian Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy.
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Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
