DEAR ABBY: My friend invites me for dinner often, and I keep coming up with vague excuses about why I cannot come. The reason for my reluctance is her poor kitchen hygiene. The fridge always has old food and spillage, and her kitchen counters and sink are littered with dirty dishes and leftovers. She doesn’t wash her hands before cooking, either.
I have helped her clean her kitchen many times while visiting, thinking she perhaps just needed guidance, but her old habits stick. It feels awkward and inappropriate to tell her the reason for my continuous cancellations. How would you proceed? — FRIEND IN STICKY SITUATION
DEAR FRIEND: You aren’t going to change her. The way to handle this would be to invite her over to your place for dinner, agree to have your meals at a restaurant or bring carryout to her place.
DEAR ABBY: I am recently separated, and my divorce will be final soon. I have met a woman I didn’t even know could exist. She’s perfect for me. The problem is, she lives an hour and a half away and can’t drive at night due to a medical condition.
I have fallen for her, and it’s mutual. The issues are the distance and the fact that her father just passed away. She’s a widow living with her toxic mother. We both want this to work, but she needs time and space. I’m willing to give it to her because I believe she is totally worth it.
This is the second serious relationship in my life. My ex and I were together for decades, but among other bad things, she cheated on me. I’m wondering if you have some advice for me. This new woman is my true “unicorn.” I’d do anything for her. I want to be with her, and she says the same, but even though her mother is toxic, she doesn’t seem to want to leave her and the bad situation she’s in.
It’s early, I know, but I’m willing to wait. We have so much in common. She hasn’t asked for anything except time and space, but I’m almost 40. (She’s a little older.) I’m so clueless with relationships. I’m scared and excited. We want to be a family with a home. Please help me out here. — CONFUSED IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR CONFUSED: You need to summon enough patience for all of this to play out. You are still married, and, frankly, you need time to regain your balance after a bad marriage that lasted decades. While I’m sure your “unicorn” is a very special woman, she needs time to grieve her father’s death and to decide whether she wants to live apart from her mother who — face it — may always be part of the package deal.
Happiness and excitement are intoxicating. Do not act impetuously. Take this very slowly. Those long, inconvenient drives may help you to gain perspective. With time, if this is as right as you are hoping it will be, you’ll have the happy ending you’re hoping for.
TO MY MUSLIM READERS: At sundown, it is time for the breaking of the Ramadan fast. Happy Eid al-Fitr, everyone. — LOVE, ABBY
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
