DEAR ABBY: I’m engaged to a delightful woman from a foreign country. She’s a divorcee, and her 19-year-old son is doing well in college. She essentially raised him herself. Because of some spectrum disorder and ADHD symptoms, her son was apparently a handful. I am healthy, have multiple advanced degrees (including an M.D. and a Ph.D.), and have enjoyed a successful and lucrative career. I have raised six happy, healthy and independent children. I’ve worked very hard and have a substantial bankroll.
My concern is that she tends to treat me like she might treat her son. She asks me (repeatedly) if I’m cold and suggests that I wear more clothes. She asks me if I’m hungry, thirty or tired, and if I should exercise. I don’t think she does it maliciously. I think she genuinely cares for me and is expressing her love with these matronly concerns.
I have suggested repeatedly that she doesn’t need to provide advice on clothing, hunger, etc. — that I’m an adult and have successfully figured out those things for a very long time. She has much less money than I do, and I help to support her. But I cannot continue to tolerate her maternalistic attitude. I have told her several times that I need a lover, not a mother, but it doesn’t seem to penetrate. How can I get this woman whom I love to treat me as an adult and not to question my mature decisions? — NOBODY’S CHILD IN NEW YORK
DEAR NOBODY’S CHILD: Your fiancée may not be trying to infantilize you. Many, if not most, women who love the men in their lives fuss over them. Because her efforts are not pleasing and are having a negative effect, you are going to have to be more direct in your message, and by that, I mean tell her it is such a turnoff for you that you are considering ending the relationship. Stating it just that way may help the message to penetrate. And if it doesn’t, then you aren’t the man for her.
DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with my partner for 10 years. While the first two years were good, things have slowly deteriorated. For example, we used to go to movies and dinner at least one day a weekend. Now we don’t do anything unless he wants to play cards. I’m getting bored with cards all the time. I feel like I’m wasting my life sitting at home with him. There’s no excitement. And to top it off, when we do go places, we invariably end up taking my car, and I must pay for the gas and wear and tear. It’s getting old. Any advice? — FED UP IN MISSOURI
DEAR FED UP: You appear to be the passive partner in this relationship. If you would like to change the balance of power, assert yourself. Because you find playing cards so often boring, and he isn’t up for going to a show or out for dinner, go with a girlfriend. I wish you had mentioned why you provide all the transportation, because changing that pattern should be as easy as saying, “No, I prefer we use YOUR car this time.” Remember, nothing will change unless you change.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
