DEAR ABBY: My parents have been divorced for almost 30 years. My father is still furious with my mother, and she is indifferent toward him.
My son is about to graduate from high school, and both grandparents want to attend the ceremony and dinner afterward.
However, Dad refuses to be in proximity, or even sight line, to my mom. He wants me to plan the day so there is no chance they will cross paths — separate cars, separate routes, separate seats, separate photos, separate meals at different restaurants.
My brother did this when his kid graduated, and it was a lot of work. It is silly. They are 75 years old and should be able to sit down in the row from each other without throwing a tantrum. I want to hand out tickets to the ceremony and make one dinner reservation, and anyone who wants to come and be civil is welcome.
My son is upset with me because his grandfather is guilt-tripping him about us not “making it possible” for him to be at the graduation. However, my son isn’t willing to take over the logistical strategizing for how my parents can enter and leave the building with no chance of interacting.
Am I right that this is silly? For what it’s worth, Mom doesn’t care one way or the other. — DAUGHTER WITH A DILEMMA
DEAR DAUGHTER: What your father refuses to recognize is that these special occasions are NOT all about him and his grudge against your mother, presumably for having the audacity to leave him.
Because you are unwilling to jump through hoops to accommodate his childish, demanding behavior, tell your father that if he can’t bury the hatchet on this special occasion and celebrate your son’s achievement, you will understand and omit him from the guest list. The choice is his to make — whether to celebrate his grandson’s milestone or continue to feed his grudge.
DEAR ABBY: After his regular job, my middle-aged son drives for a ride-sharing company late into the night. He works hard because he needs the extra money to support his wife (who also works outside the home) and their three children.
I am not wealthy, but when I noticed his car was a very old piece of junk with 300,000 miles on it and leaked oil and water, I gave him $25,000 to buy a new one. I asked him not to tell anyone except his immediate family. Instead, he told his wife and children that HE had purchased the new car and made no mention of Grandpa (me).
I was hoping for a little goodwill from my grandchildren (who were thrilled with the car) and maybe even my daughter-in-law. Something like “Gee, thanks, Grandpa, that was thoughtful and generous of you.” Was I wrong? — NO THANKS IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR NO THANKS: According to many religions, the highest form of charity is that which is anonymous. Your gift to your son came from the heart, but it shouldn’t have been given expecting to be thanked by your grandchildren. Your son is safe, thanks to your generosity, and that in itself should be your reward.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
