DEAR ABBY: My husband, “Dan,” died 4 1/2 years ago. We were together for 17 years. I have stayed in touch with his mother and one of his sisters. His family is politically the opposite of my daughter and me, and very religious (we are not). He had twin adult children I also stay in contact with. They are the only family I have in the area. We also have a 20-year-old daughter together.
Am I obligated to stay in contact with his family because of our daughter? They are kind and courteous when I call, but no longer invite us to visit. My mother-in-law has also stopped sending me and my daughter gifts on special occasions.
How healthy is it to stay in contact, and for how long? I feel bad because my daughter doesn’t really have any family anymore. How should I continue with his side of the family? — A BIT LOST IN WASHINGTON
DEAR LOST: I see nothing to be gained by slamming any doors. Relationships evolve, and the relationship you have with your late husband’s family seems to be evolving away. Keep things as cordial as you can, if only for your daughter’s sake, by sending cards on appropriate occasions. Do not burn any bridges. If your daughter wants to reach out to these family members, she is old enough to do it without your help.
DEAR ABBY: Before we had children, my stepmother dropped many “hints” encouraging us to have kids, and promised multiple times that she would retire when we did to help out with them. We now have a 6-year-old and an 18-month-old. When we ask my father and stepmother to babysit or watch the kids, they say, “We’d love to, but now is not convenient.”
They live seven minutes away, but have never offered to babysit. They watch the kids maybe once out of 20 times that we ask. They do drop by to see us as a family when it’s convenient for them, and my children adore them. Whenever they drop by, we stop whatever we’re doing to spend time with them because those relationships are important for us and our children.
Culturally, it’s the norm for grandparents to watch children. My grandparents watched us often as children, especially after my mother died. I never expected my stepmother to actually quit her job to watch our kids, but I really did anticipate more support than we receive. I don’t know how to express that we need more support than they are offering. — NEEDY MOM IN NEW ZEALAND
DEAR MOM: You were fortunate to have a grandmother who had the time and the desire to look after you, but not all families are the same. If you are a regular “Dear Abby” reader, you likely know I often receive mail from folks complaining that they don’t have enough access to their grandchildren.
I’m sorry your stepmother raised your expectations and hasn’t followed through. If you think she and your dad will change their ways, explain to them that you need their help. However, if it isn’t forthcoming, accept that you will have to hire a babysitter on those occasions.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
