DEAR ABBY: My nephew-to-be has just turned 14. He has older parents (his mom was 42 when he was born) and is so socially inept that we fear for his future. His mom is more than a helicopter parent — she still orders his food for him at restaurants. My son is 15 and very different — he’s mature, has a job, takes honor classes and is an outgoing joy to be around. I know all children are not the same, and I try not to compare them, because, frankly, there is no comparison.
My fiance and I are worried about the boy’s future if he’s never out from under his mother’s wing. His grandparents are worried as well. Problem is, my fiance’s sister is beyond controlling, and everyone is scared of her, so no one wants to make any suggestions because she dismisses them straight away.
I think it would be great to send my nephew-to-be to a summer camp for kids like him. He needs to gain confidence so he can do basic things, like order his own food at restaurants. I’m not a member of this family yet, and I have zero desire to tell someone else how to parent their child. Do you have any constructive ideas to give to my fiance’s sister to help? We’re afraid he’ll end up a shut-in in their basement, as he’s unable to do anything or think for himself. — FUTURE AUNTIE IN IOWA
DEAR AUNTIE: You are not yet a family member, and even after you and your fiance are married, you won’t be a blood relative. Because the mother is dismissive, perhaps your fiance and his parents should discuss these concerns together with her. Her overprotectiveness may stem from the fact that it took her so long to conceive a child that she’s having trouble letting go. It could also be that the boy is developmentally slow. If, after your wedding, you and your husband could invite his nephew along on some outings with you and your son, he might gain from the exposure.
DEAR ABBY: I was in a dysfunctional marriage for more than a decade. Finally, my cheating ex-wife divorced me. In retrospect, it was, hands down, the best thing that ever happened to me. Now, two decades later, I still get angry over the mistreatment I endured. We have an adult child together, so I must see my ex from time to time for life events for our son.
I feel angry and resentful when I know we will have face-to-face interaction. We have clashed at times during these events. So, how do I move forward? I want to no longer carry these resentments, as they don’t serve me. People say, “Let it go,” and I want to, but I don’t know how. Can you give me a map to Let-it-Go Land? — SICK OF THE FEELING
DEAR SICK: The first step in overcoming a problem is recognizing that you have one. Congratulations on having taken that important first step. Your second step would be to find a licensed psychotherapist and discuss the anger and resentment you feel when you have to see your ex-wife. Your doctor or health insurance company can help you find someone who is qualified.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
