Democrats and other pestilential nudniks are still trying to solve the impenetrable mystery of how their presidential candidate lost to someone as horrible as they pretended Donald Trump was. Chairman of the Democrat National Committee Vladimir Jihad recently discussed the issue on a Zoom call with a group of masked rioters and financial con men called Black Lives Matter Unless They Don’t.
Mr. Jihad, who usually identifies as a woman except at this time of month when he feels the cramps just aren’t worth it, told the group, “Like many of you, I’ve been trying to unravel the puzzling riddle of how anyone could reject the Democrat party. After weeks of reflection, I began to wonder if it was because we burned down cities, mismanaged wars, mutilated children and allowed criminals to pour across our borders, but then I thought, Nah, it must be the fault of the voters. Sure, there was terrible inflation, higher crime and more global threats, but that was just in real life. On the news, everything was great! The problem was that instead of getting the facts from trusted sources like NBC and the New York Times, voters were swamped with misinformation from social media, and their wallets, and the sad, hungry faces of their children, and their own eyes. We have to work harder to keep that misinformation from spreading by repeatedly calling people racist until they’re intimidated into silence. We just haven’t done enough of that.”
Despite the gloomy outcome, the Zoom call was immediately followed by a celebratory gala during which the participants fondly relived the party’s glory days by burning Minneapolis to the ground again.
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To investigate further, the Daily Wire dispatched crack reporter Spencer Crack to Hawaii where he entered the Tikki Takki Lounge, quickly downed four Mai Tais, fell to the floor and rolled under a table, in order to interview Kamala Harris, who had gone there to recuperate after her election loss and the following bender.
According to a transcript of the interview, Harris told Crack, “Sure, the election didn’t have the result I wanted, with millions of people cheering, ‘Hooray for President Kamala’ … or Camela or com-ALA or however the hell you pronounce it. But I still have the same power, the same energy, even the same underwear, which may account for this terrible urinary infection, or maybe that’s just the booze. Whatever happens, I’ll always be the first female Vice President of the United States and maybe even the last, if anyone was paying attention to how that worked out. And to those who say, No one remembers the losing candidate, I say, oh yeah? What about that guy? The one in the tank. Everyone remembers him. Maybe not his name but that picture was hilarious. So don’t let anyone take your power. Especially after you’ve had a few. Things get blurry and the next thing you know, your power is gone, and you’re lying under a table. Now why don’t you go buy me another Mai Tai. And, while you’re at it, make sure my husband’s gone home. The last time he saw me talking to another man, he left a handprint in my cheek so deep I looked like a second grader’s Playdough project.”
While the Democrats’ loss will continue to confound experts for years, many feel it was a simple matter of the wrong candidate. Joe Scarborough of MSNBC said this to his audience, “Excuse me, sir. Before you change the channel, let me just tell you one more thing. Kamala’s candidacy was a complete media fantasy. We told you she had joy. We lied. We told you she was competent. We lied. We told you her VP pick wasn’t a homosexual serial killer. And okay, maybe that was half true. But we should have just stuck with Joe Biden, who was sharp as a tack, honest as the day is long and totally committed to the rule of law.”
Whatever the reason for the loss, most Democrats agree there is now no way Americans can escape horrifying news stories about President Trump’s oppression, corruption and bigotry unless they turn off the television and pay attention to reality, in which case Democrats may never win an election again.
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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A WOMAN UNDERGROUND,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
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