In the most predictable news of the most unpredictable presidential race in history, Kamala Harris has declined to attend the annual Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation Dinner in New York next month.
The historic Catholic fundraiser has always been a rare moment of genuine levity, especially in election years when both major party nominees traditionally roast each other with mocking speeches.
But not this time.
Harris told organizers she won’t be there because she says she needs to focus on her campaign.
Oh, give me a break!
The Al Smith dinner has always been a useful campaign opportunity for candidates to show they can laugh at themselves and raise millions for charity, all in front of a big TV audience of potential voters.
The only reason you’d turn it down is fear.
Kamala won’t be there because she has an unmitigated terror of being trapped outside of her robotic teleprompter comfort zone, and at the mercy of Donald Trump’s savagely waspish humor which he used to such hilarious effect against Hillary Clinton at the same 2016 dinner.
It’s not just cowardly for Kamala to duck it, it’s also very revealing about her character that she finds the idea of being comedically roasted so frightening, though not entirely surprising given how resolutely she refuses to submit herself to proper media interview scrutiny.
However, I don’t see why she should escape the roasting she deserves, so here’s the speech that Donald Trump might have made if Kamala hadn’t canceled:
“Good evening, it’s great to be here in front of what I’m told is the biggest audience this event has ever seen, with tickets selling out faster than Kamala chucked Joe Biden under a bus after my debate with him.
“And boy does she love selling out. Just ask the fracking industry!
“I’m not saying my opponent is a Kama, Kama, Kama, Kama, Kama Kameleon, but if you’re wondering why she turned up late tonight, it’s because it takes so long for her to put make-up on her two faces.
“I haven’t seen such a phenomenal flip-flopper since Meghan and Harry quit the royals because they were fed up with being royals, so they could then make money out of being royals by trashing the royals!
“Wow, Kamala’s giving me that same death stare Crazy Nancy gave Sleepy Joe when he tried to resist falling on his sword. I hope she got frisked on the way in, because judging by her expression right now, I’m worried she might use that gun on me, which nobody knew she had until last week when she was trying to woo the NRA crowd by boasting to Oprah that she’s Rambo’s kid sister.
“One thing’s for sure, given her abortion views, I know she won’t try to kill me until I’ve gone full term with this speech, so you can all relax for a few minutes.
“Of course, I’m kidding. It’s not like she laughed about my death when she was on the Ellen show.
“I thought Kamala would find all my jokes hilarious tonight and regularly let off that insane Joker-style cackle at entirely inappropriate moments.
“But she’s still eyeballing me like I’m Janet Jackson.
“I don’t know why Kamala doesn’t like political jokes – she’s been one herself for years!
“President Biden was apparently due to come too, but he couldn’t remember what day it was. Nor can he remember he’s still President, which isn’t surprising given that so few other people remember that either.
“Speaking of Joe, I genuinely admire Kamala for the ruthless manner she stabbed him in the back. Honestly, the way she publicly encouraged him to keep running, and told everyone how sharp he was, until he was exposed in that debate as an unelectable zombie and had to resign so late in the race that only she could take over, made Judas Iscariot look like Mr. Loyalty.
“Kamala grabbed that nominee crown with the same grasping entitled claws that Tim Walz grabbed a fake heroic military career record when he thought it might enhance his reputation.
“I’d like to thank the chef for our delicious meal tonight, though I found the Kamala word salad very hard to digest and frankly, I couldn’t understand what on earth I was eating. I can only imagine what has been unburdened by what has been in my mouth, and whether my guts will now survive the passage of time.
“I’d have much preferred a Big Mac from the McDonald’s where Kamala claims to have worked without anyone recalling her doing so, in a desperate attempt to fake-empathize with regular Americans struggling to even afford a burger due to the surging inflation inflicted on them under the Biden administration. Does she think we all fell out of a McDonald’s coconut ice-cream machine?
“Kamala says it’s time for Americans to turn a page and chart a new way forward away from division and lies — but we’re all still stuck on the same pages of HER book, co-written with Joe Biden. And what a work of fiction it is!
“She’s U-turned on everything from fracking and decriminalizing illegal immigration to defunding the police, single-payer health care, and mandatory gun confiscation.
“And she claims I want a national abortion ban, will implement Project 2025, have warned there would be a bloodbath if I don’t win the election, and praised white supremacists in Charlottesville – but none of that is true.
“She’s also called me a lying, cheating, immoral, democracy-threatening disgrace who needs to be stopped – and it’s that kind of incendiary rhetoric that led to two people recently trying to assassinate me.
“So, while it’s great to see you here tonight, Kamala, let me just end by saying this: If you’re the voice of change, honesty and unity, then who the hell’s to blame for what’s happened in the last four years?”
